By Will Stone
Host: Steve Harvey
[Theme music hits. Steve struts out, adjusting his colorful suit and flashing a big smile.]
Steve Harvey:
Welcome to Manzanita Family Feud, y’all! Where the only thing moving faster than the water fund money is the City Council rubber-stamping everything like it’s on autopilot!
We surveyed 100 grown folks in Manzanita — full-timers who actually live here and second homeowners who just visit their beach house twice a year and rent it.
Let’s meet the families!
Full-Time Residents Team, Karen’s family
(Team Captain: Karen – long time resident)
Karen, Mike, Sarah, Dave.
Second Homeowners Team, Todd’s family
(Team Captain: Todd – Portland guy with a vacation rental and strong opinions)
Todd, Lisa, Mark, Jennifer.
Steve Harvey:
Alright, let’s play the Feud!
Round 1
Steve:
We asked 100 adults: “Name something the Manzanita City Council does faster than you can say ‘public comment.”
Karen Full Time Resident (buzzes in):
Vote unanimously on everything!
Steve Harvey: (slapping the podium)
#1 Answer! 44 points!
They all vote the same way every single time! It’s like they had a group chat before the meeting even started!
Todd STR Owner(buzzes in):
They pre-agree on everything behind closed doors?
Steve:
#2 Answer! — “Pre-meeting secret huddle” — 31 points!
Steve Harvey:
Y’all don’t even pretend to debate! It’s like they are all one handed! Ever hear of “on the other hand?”
This council is so unanimous they make a North Korean election look competitive!
Round 2
Steve:
Next survey question “Why did the City Manager suddenly resign and take a big pay cut for a completely different job in Salem?
Mike(Full time Resident Family):
She became more of a liability than the Council could cover up any longer!
Steve Harvey: (laughing)
Survey says… #1! 37 points!
Abrupt resignation? Baby, that’s code for “We gotta get you outta here before the lawsuits hit!”
Lisa (Second Homeowner Family):
Golden handcuffs! They were paying way too much for someone in their first City Manager job! More than any coastal city Manzanita’s size.
Steve:
#3 Answer! — “Overpaid rookie manager” — 19 points.
Manager was making bank while the rest of y’all are arguing over water bills!
Round 3
Steve:
We asked the survey group:“Name a big mess the City Council made with your money.”
Sarah (Full-Time Resident team):
Moving $214,000 a year out of the Water Fund into the General Fund when the General Fund was already well funded!
Steve:
#1 Answer! 39 points!
They’re draining the water money like it’s an all-you-can-drink fountain!
Mark (Part-Time Homeowner Team):
Hiding nearly $4 million in that ridiculous Unappropriated Ending Fund Balance!
Steve:
#2! — “$4 million rainy-day slush fund” is more like it. — 27 points.
Government Finance Officers Association says keep $500k… they got almost four million just sitting there collecting dust while raising your water rates and street maintenance funds! Sounds like council thinks your taxes are too low!
Round 4
Steve:
Next survey question: “Tell me something that makes this City Council look rigged.”
Dave (Full-Time):
They hand pick people for commitees and replacement councilors to guarantee their control!
Steve Harvey: (eyes wide)
Survey says… BIG #1 Answer! 52 points!
That ain’t representation — that’s a secret society with better parking!
Jennifer (Second Homeowner Team):
They ignored the 68% “No” vote on the new City Hall.
Steve:
#2 Answer! — 23 points.
Sixty-eight percent said no… and they went “Cool story, bro” and kept going anyway! Just charge it to the General Fund.
Fast Money Round
Steve:
Karen, you got 20 seconds. Name as many City Hall disasters as you can!
Karen(Full time resident team):
1. Classic Street bidding lawsuit because nobody checked the rules!
2. Switching to monthly water billing without reading their own Water Ordinance!
3. Burying the investigation report and spending $200k on lawyers!
4. Running up a million dollars of consultant and legal fees.
5. Let mold grow in the City Hall bathroom, use it to justify a new City Hall, then sell it to the City Hall contractor.
Steve Harvey: (checking board)
Let’s see…
• Classic Street mess → #1 (34)
• Water Ordinance fail → #2 (26)
• Hidden investigation → #3 (19)
• Overused consultants → #4 (12)
• Moldy bathroom → #5 (8)
Total: 99 points! Full-Time Residents win big!
Final Round
Steve:
We asked the survey:“For the big money… What concerns full-time residents right now?”
Todd(Second homeowners team):
The rigged council keeps raising our water rates and street fees while sitting on millions!
Steve:
[DING!] Top answer!
Karen:
Because it feels like another shoe is ready to drop on Classic Street!
Steve:
[DING!] Number two!
Steve Harvey (closing):
Manzanita, let me tell you something… When your council votes unanimously every time and treats a 68% “No” vote like a suggestion while shoveling cash out the window… that ain’t local government. That’s Family Feud with higher stakes and worse acting!
Full-Time Residents take the win tonight. Second homeowners , go enjoy your STR beach house — just don’t forget to pay for your impact!
I’m Steve Harvey. Y’all hold your wallets, stay hydrated (if you can afford the water), and we’ll see you next time on Manzanita Family Feud!
[Theme music plays. Steve waves goodbye while shaking his head.]