WORDS OF WISDOM: The State of American Manhood, One Person at a Time

By Neal Lemery

A friend asked me how I was doing, adding the phrase “as a man”. I hadn’t lately thought about that “angle” to a common question, but given the recent onslaught of gender bias and gender identity debates lately in the political world, it gave me pause, deserving of some deeper thought.

I dug into the broader question of how men are doing in this country these days. My inquiry was fueled by some of my recent reading. Notes on Being a Man, Scott Galloway (2026) had attracted my attention during a visit to a book store, and I had just finished it. He’s an accomplished writer and helped me dive into the status of American masculinity with this deep memoir of his life from the perspective of being a son, husband, and father these last seventy years.

His research was startling, showing me a thought-provoking view of current American manhood.

60% of young men between the ages of 18 and 24 live with their parents
At age 30, 1 in 5 men live with their parents
Since 1980, the percentage of men who neither work or go to school has tripled.
70,000 Americans a year now die from “diseases of despair” (suicide, drug overdose, alcohol poisoning)
45% of men ages 18-25 have never approached a woman to date
Attention Deficit Disorder: At ages 3-17, 15% of boys and 8% of girls are diagnosed with ADHD.
Driver’s licenses. In the 1970s, 9% of all drivers were teens 19 and younger. Now, less than 4%.
Employment rate for men: 1948—94%. 1985—85%
Addictions: 2022. 8.5% of adolescents are addicted to alcohol; 24% are addicted to social media.
Men are four times more likely to suicide than women.
No close friends: 1980—3%; 2021—12%

These are numbers we don ‘t talk about with our friends, or post comments about on social media. The societal silence seems astonishing, deafening, Yet, the loneliness, depression, and isolating life choices greatly impact our culture, our economy, and our efforts to raise healthy young people. I don’t hear the politicians talking about this, or those who profess to have expertise on ways to improve society. The numbers show the shadow side of cultural issues that are worthy of discussion.

I mentor a guy in prison, and we exchange poems and other writings every week. He’s lonely, isolated, and struggles with a lot of questions, a lot of self doubt. His writing helps him grow and find some meaning and purpose in his life, while he is locked up in a cold institutional setting with few friends, little mental health care, and needing some healthy social interaction. He’s scared of being released back into society, a world he increasingly finds chaotic and foreign. Will he be able to find a career, to find a role to play in a world that now has locked him out?

His poetry helps. Our weekly exchange of letters helps. His clerical job in prison helps, as do the books I sometimes send to him. He’s at the dark edge of these statistics and the world Scott Galloway describes.

Yet, he helps others. He’s making a difference. He’ a mentor now, reaching out to the depressed, isolated, suicidal men he lives with, in a world of institutional indifference and bureaucracy. Improving opportunities for felons, and building career opportunities for them after they are paroled and return to their communities isn’t high on the “to do” list of the Legislature, or the heart of campaign speeches of politicians running for Governor.

He and I write our poetry, we offer some editing and writing prompts, we share our own pain and response to the events of our lives. We’ve become honest and frank with each other, developing a friendship that has deepened over the years. We’ve never met face to face, yet we’ve opened up our hearts to each other, and made a difference.

These statistics and the state of American manhood, disturbs me, and there seems little I can do to fix it. But, one relationship at a time, one friend at a time. Small steps, but for my friend and for me, it’s big work, lifechanging. I can do this, one person at a time. And maybe that’s the point in life, making a small, but huge difference, one person at a time.