By Neal Lemery
A friend recently lamented that they were a failure in their life. They gave me a long list of what they called shortcomings, disasters, and self-imposed faults. They blamed themselves, equating the list with their perceived ineptitudes and character flaws, they were a failure in their life, and a disappointment to anyone who knew them.
I let them purge themselves of this long list of “failures” but I was thinking that this list of disasters was a pretty common, ordinary list of what we have all experienced in our lives. The older we get, that list gets longer, but I think of the list as simply having a long, interesting life with lots of adventures. None of us is perfect, and we shouldn’t expect perfection in this human experience.
Finally, they came up for air and took a breath.
“How can you stay around me?” they asked. “I’m really not good enough to be worthy of being your friend. I’m not good enough for you.”
The look on their face said they expected me to agree with them, and I should just throw in the towel and walk away.
I’d recently come across a great quote, “Your past is not your destiny. It’s simply where your story began.”
I shared that with my friend, adding that it came from a story of a man who had gotten out of prison, and who turned himself around. They built onto a family business, finding a market for a new product line, and soon being able to hire other men getting out of prison, in need of a job and some hope and respect. That man changed lives, and also affirmed for himself that he was a decent human being, that he should respect himself and build a new life. It all boiled down to a question of attitude and self-respect.
My friend seemed receptive to the man’s story, and I dove in, going deep into my feelings for them, my opinion that my friend was an honorable, decent person, deeply loved by their family, and someone who made significant contributions to the community and to the people who loved and admired them.
My soapbox speech was long, but I was on a roll, reminding them that we all have self-doubts. We all wonder if we contribute much to the world. There are days that we all need this talk, to have a friend put into words that we are worthy, valued, and cherished, that our lives matter.
Too often, I don’t take the time to simply be with a friend, to notice how they are doing, to ask, really ask, how they are doing. I need to take the time to really be their friend, to listen, suspend judgment, and be a compassionate, open-hearted friend. It’s a two way street, and sometimes, I need to ask a friend to listen to me, to dig into what’s really going on, and go deep behind the “Oh, I’m fine” response we usually give and receive.
True friendship requires that we go beyond the platitudes, the polite, expected cliches of social conversation. That time and effort is well spent, and is the act of true friendship.
We are good enough, each and every one of us.
