EDITOR’S NOTE: Trigger warning – sexual assaults description. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or has experienced a sexual assault, please contact Tides of Change – www.tidesofchangenw.org
By Romy Carver
Hey, all you good men out there, this is for you. The women in your life are not feeling okay right now.
The horrible gang-rape and subsequent cover-up and victim blaming at Cornell (and everywhere, for that matter) is hitting women hard, literally. We know there are many good men out there, who wouldn’t dream of hurting a woman. In fact, that is most men.
But there is a difference between “nice guys” and “good men.”
“Nice guys” beat their partners and kids behind closed doors while wearing their public mask. They rape with impunity, and deliberately pick people who have less credibility: intoxicated people, people with mental health issues, disabled people, children. Good men are respectful and protective of others.
“Nice guys” see a text inviting them to help gang rape a drugged woman and do nothing. Good men call the cops and intervene.
After having experienced molestation as a child by a “nice guy” I ran to for help, and after experiencing rape as an adult by someone who posed as my friend, and an attempted gang rape by two “nice guy friends,” I know the difference.
I worked for seven years with survivors of domestic and sexual violence, and have met very few women who have not experienced harassment, coercion, and sexual violence. The problem isn’t isolated. It’s systemic in a society that tells men that “real men” are aggressive and dominating and “take charge.” They are taught that exploiting women’s bodies is a “notch in their belt.” And that women who let their guard down and explore their sexuality are “sluts” who get what they deserve, while the men are “playboys.” This mindset is also confusing and difficult for men, and it makes it extremely humiliating and difficult for male victims to come forward after being sexually assaulted.
Those “nice guys” often end up in positions of power, even getting to determine policies that affect women’s bodies, as if they are somehow entitled to make those decisions for other human beings. Their victims are dehumanized and forgotten in rape cases where there’s no prosecution or accountability.
When I was a kid, we had a dog named Lucky. He was kind of a golden lab/German shepherd mix. My brother brought him home when he was a puppy and my dad threw a fit, because Lucky had German shepherd lineage. He’d been bitten by German shepherds before and hated that breed. Lucky turned out to be the sweetest, least aggressive dog on earth and lived to a ripe old age. But my dad based his assessment of “all German shepherds” on first hand personal experience.
We know that when a dog tenses up, stiffens its tail, and growls, we need to back off because it’s about to bite. Even “nice dogs” might bite, so we are careful until we get to know them. Women learn very young to read signs in men, including “nice guys,” out of necessity. We aren’t going to blindly trust that coach or youth leader or scout leader. We’ve seen through the mask. Women’s intuition was developed out of necessity, and it’s real.
It’s not paranoia. It’s survival in a society that devalues women and children. We don’t hate all men, it’s nothing personal. But don’t expect us to give you the benefit of the doubt when we carry burn scars from the times we did. We’re not stupid; we’re cautious, and rightfully so. It’s not an insult to you personally; it’s a safety issue.
It is reasonably safe for a man to work out at the gym, go to a bar, and walk alone in the evenings without concern. It must feel good to live like that. In fact, a whole article could be written about the things that men feel safe doing that women don’t. For example, if a man passes out in a room with seven women, he’s extremely likely to wake up with his clothes on, unharmed.
Men can reasonably assume at the gym that if someone is staring at them, the person is not being predatory and it’s not a threat. Not so much for women. In a bar, men are unlikely to be harassed or followed to the car by a potential rapist, and don’t have to worry about being walked to their car in the parking lot after dark. They can also typically leave their drink sitting while they use the restroom, and their worst fear is that someone will steal it, not slip drugs into it. I’m not saying that if a man makes eye contact with you in public, he is a predator; that is ridiculous. But women know when it’s that constant, sustained, unwanted eye contact, it becomes very uncomfortable.
Obviously, most men in the bars and gyms aren’t predators. But when they are, is a man confronting them? Where were the good men in that text chat at Cornell who knew a woman was being gang raped? That chat was full of “nice guys” and bros who other guys would enjoy having a beer with, who bragged about their “conquests” and would graduate into high paying jobs with a great deal of power. Are there consequences for men who hold other men accountable? Is the risk “too high” for calling the cops in that situation? Maybe someone can explain why nobody did.
Violence against women and children is often met with silence, victim blaming, and a lack of accountability. Women know it’s often not safe to report a sexual assault, and more often results in life becoming even more hellish and humiliating for the victim. The perpetrators know it too, and it takes an incredible amount of courage to come forward for anyone who has been sexually assaulted.
Women scan the room, it’s what we do. We have to be careful what we wear, who we make eye contact with, and how that will be interpreted. After all, if you are raped, the first thing people want to know is what you were wearing and what you did to “cause” it. Nobody cares what the rapist was wearing.
Most rapes aren’t committed against sexy women alone at night by strangers leaping out of the bushes. That’s a Hollywood invention. The statistics vary, but they all stress that the vast majority of sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. Someone they trusted and gave the benefit of the doubt.
So hey, menfolk, we know it’s “not all men.” Our challenge to you is to believe women when they say that something is making them uncomfortable. Take it seriously, because there’s a reason, and it’s valid. We know if we are sexually assaulted, we will be blamed and likely nothing will be done about it. You have to look no further than the local DA’s office to know this. So we have to protect ourselves and other women, and we aren’t going to give anyone the “benefit of the doubt.” Because we can’t afford to.
The women in your life aren’t okay right now. We have a president who has raped women and children with impunity, and our hearts ache for the victims who have mustered the courage to come forward and have had their lives further ruined. We are pissed, and rightfully so, about Cornell. Because we know firsthand it’s the tip of the iceberg. Women share their pain with other women. We know how it starts and we know the signs.
Please don’t say, “He probably didn’t mean it like that,” or, “But he’s a nice guy.” Yeah, we know all about that… He might act a little differently around you.
If we trust you enough to tell you that a guy creeps us out, that is a big compliment to you, not an indictment or attack. We aren’t being dramatic or paranoid. We collectively feel less safe than we have ever felt before and we are trusting you.
We trust that you are a good man, and you have women’s backs. You are that guy who would have called the cops, who would have stepped in. We know you aren’t a bro, so thank you.
