By Jim Heffernan
I’ve been thinking about a new term in my vocabulary – “second friends.” It’s a term that was coined by C.S. Lewis (1898-1963) to describe his relationship with Owen Barfield (1898-1998). They were classmates at Oxford and fast friends their whole lives. Most of their time together was spent arguing. Lewis became famous for his “Chronicles of Narnia” but was also a noted critic and medievalist. Barfield was a poet and philosopher, but probably best known for his influence on Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein.
Lewis described “first friends” and “second friends” with these words, “The First Friend is your alter ego, the person who sees things as you do. You ‘join like rain drops on a window’ … The Second Friend is not your alter ego but rather your anti-self. He shares your interests but approaches them at a different angle. He has read all the right books but has got the wrong thing out of every one.”
There’s something warm and fuzzy about your “first friends.” I think “first friends” are why we spend millions of dollars on professional (and amateur) sports. There’s a definite element of “first friends” in the typical political rally or sports event, likeminded people drawn together with an absolute belief that they are on the side of “Truth” or “God” or maybe just the best team.
But it seems all too often we’ve clustered too tightly with “first friends” and have skipped over the idea of “second friends.” Those who should be seen as “second friends,”. we see as enemies. Media and social networks actively foster this regrettable trend. Fear and loathing fuel a frenzy of clicks and “likes.” What media and social networks are really about is generating advertising revenue for themselves.
Almost accidentally, I have found a few people in the county who I now consider “second friends.” It started out with me hoping to change their minds and bring them to the truth. I blame my Catholic education for my missionary zeal. Somehow my reading has led me to an intellectual humility that I never possessed before. Now I know that I am not infallible and the beliefs I hold could be wrong. I may not agree with my “second friends” but I no longer dismiss them as stupid and/or evil. It’s possible that I am the mistaken one.
Science progresses by the continual testing of ideas. Politics used to work the same way. If we are to progress as a society and a planet, more of us need to seek out those we disagree with and somehow, with civility and courage, find an acceptable common ground.
Saving the country is beyond my reach, but just maybe we can find a way for us in this small community to at least feel a little better about each other. With that in mind, I’m starting an “On a Tuesday”* virtual coffee meeting on zoom to talk about politics and problems. I don’t want to change anybody’s mind, I just want to make talking to each other a little easier.
Here’s the zoom invitation for a get-together that will happen each Tuesday at 9AM. https://us06web.zoom.us/j/84103160731?pwd=dDjC6hUH1NzQb4biwrQxYeUK46l8Xz.1 For those who find the morning hour impossible, there will also be a 7PM meeting each Tuesday and here is the invitation for that one: https://us06web.zoom.us/j/86525693062?pwd=QRP6GiOQ4bK4NYutb5cIDgtLiv1e6G.1
I’ll be the host and all I will require is civility and that no one speaks for more than 5 minutes as a stretch. As the host, I will have the ability to mute or remove disruptive influences.
If zoom is not your thing, discussion is always welcome at codger817@gmail.com.
* “On a Tuesday” is homage to a pivotal scene in the wonderful movie “Shirley Valentine” from 1989. It’s available at Tillamook Public Library and Kanopy and other streaming services.