2017 Geezer Awards…you win!

Americans love winners. The number of award events each year is proof positive. We judge everything from our pets to our vegetables, and we’re not alone in this. It turns out that pretty much every group of humans in every country on this planet has some kind of competition. People need more than food, water, sex and internet. We need to compete and we need to win.

This would explain the constant battering our brains get from brand names, retailers of every sort; web sites, phone providers, hospitals, insurance companies and banks. Oh sure, there’s lots more to mention here but I don’t have the space or desire to list all of them. They want to win us and we want to win.

If you are reading this, you’re a winner because you lived through the craziness that was 2016. With the Oscars coming up this weekend I began to think all of us should be considered for awards. We deserve awards for all that we’ve done, and been through…in each category.

I’m pretty sure you are with me when I say that it seems we all suffer through people who tell us we can be winners if we do what they tell us to do. How about giving us kudos for what we do? Not to worry. I’ve got this.

Geezer Culinary Award: Goes to all of you who still have Spam as part of your diet. This means you had family in Hawaii during the war or you acquired the taste. In this category I get a ‘Lifetime Achievement” non-award for cutting the end of my finger off on a Spam can when Shannon was a baby. The finger tip went in the freezer until I could get to a hospital where they replaced it upside down. I have Spam identity issues.

Geezer Set decoration Award goes to any of you who have knickknacks which have not been dusted or cleaned for at least one year. I will share in this award because it’s all about historic significance. Those baubles belonged to our Grandmas and Great-grandmas, etc. They must be saved in their present condition. No alterations. I heard that on OPB’s Antiques Roadshow. I use this excuse a lot. You’re welcome.

Geezer Men’s Wardrobe Award: If you wear braces (suspenders for you young’uns) and carry a cotton navy blue or red, 12″ x 12” hankie in your back pocket, you’re a winner here. You could be disqualified if your wife has to “undo and redo” the rigging for washing…but I’ll never tell. If you set off an alarm at an airport anytime during 2016…you’re an automatic winner.

Geezer Transportation Award: You’ll know where the term, “It’s a doozie” came from. You also have to know the specs of a 1957 Chevy and the difference between CC’s and HORSEPOWER. Oh, and you have to be driving something that makes your statement on this subject. I wish I could do a review of your parade. I was a semi-motor head before I met Mr. S. The rest is history. They’ll have to pry those driver’s licenses from our hands. Of course, this is an award that would have to have a trophy because men like that sort of stuff.

Geezer Grandma/Pa Award: Who won’t win? I’ve never met a grandparent or great-grandparent who didn’t qualify for this one. I’m trying really hard to figure out what causes this syndrome…we just get crazy. I thought I knew everything until my first great-granddaughter was born. It’s a good thing we don’t wear lipstick any more. If you are a Grand-Geezer…you’ll get this. xoxo

Geezer Pride Award: This is for all of us who don’t respond to really dumb emails. This week I got one that told me I could please my woman and be a winner if I took their medication. This made me laugh a lot…more than I do when I get emails promising $50 gift certificates. We may be old…but we’re still smart. Don’t even try.

Geezer Love Award: You’ll search a long time before you find love more sincere and real than ours. Each year we live adds to our treasure chest of experience. We’ve been around long enough to know what love and trust and life is about…but we don’t know everything yet. That’s the Geezer Alive Award. We all get this one.

Linda Shaffer and Grover.

Linda Shaffer, author of Geezer World, lives in Netarts with her husband Nick and their loving canine mascot, Grover. She is a former publisher of the Headlight-Herald with more than 30 years of experience in community journalism.