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by Amanda Ferrat, Founder of Value Yourself Counseling LLC and Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner & Wellness Counselor
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” – Rupi Kaur
February is all about love since the major holiday is Valentine’s Day. The focus is often about showing that special someone how you feel about them. But what about the relationship you have with yourself? How much love and kindness do you show yourself?
First, let’s define the difference between self-care and self-love, as these terms are often used interchangeably yet are actually different. While self-care and self-love are both classified as nouns, self-care is about the actions we take to show ourselves care and regard while self-love is defined as the “regard for one’s own happiness”, accepting ourselves fully, and treating ourselves with kindness. Both are essential, and you cannot have one without the other, yet self-care is action oriented and self-love is rooted in thoughts and feelings. Self-care is everything from brushing your teeth and good sleep hygiene to massages, pedicures, and other indulgences or pampering. Self-love is the inner and outer dialogue we have with and about ourselves, how we treat ourselves compared to others, and how we then allow others to treat us.
When you have love for yourself it means you have an overall positive view of yourself. It does not mean you are selfish, vain, or narcissistic, despite what some may believe. Self-love does not keep you from loving others or having empathy, it simply means that you treat yourself with the same love and kindness you would show others and do not prioritize them to your own detriment. It does not mean you think you are above making mistakes or having flaws, yet you still love yourself regardless of any imperfections.
Self-love does not mean you never have unpleasant feelings towards yourself either. That would be nearly impossible as we are human and experience a vast range of emotions. Yet when you have love for yourself, navigating more difficult or uncomfortable emotions becomes easier. In fact, in Emotional Freedom Techniques, an evidenced based modality used to help with emotional regulation and also known as EFT or tapping, the set up phrases end with “and I love and accept myself fully”. This helps build and strengthen neural pathways that support self-love and self-acceptance by “tricking” the brain into feeling more self-love.
Self-love also means that you do not sacrifice your own well-being for that of another. When you do not love yourself, you become susceptible to abuse, boundary violations, and manipulation. You stop practicing habits that promote or sustain good health. You speak to yourself in an unkind and negative way that erodes your self-esteem or causes you to be a people pleaser or perfectionist. You may make riskier choices or put yourself in harm’s way. Typically, if you do not have self-love, then you do not have a healthy self-care practice either. This may mean you are not eating healthy, getting good sleep, going to the doctor, paying bills on time, developing healthy and safe relationships, etc.. This is where self-care and self-love overlap. The better your self-love is, the better your self-care practice is and vice versa.
Self-love is also essential for us to build healthy relationships with others, pursue our bigger goals and dreams, and live a more fulfilling, vibrant life.
How do you begin to build a self-love practice?
Become aware of the messages you tell yourself, interrupt the negative ones, and begin to replace them with more loving, kind thoughts. EFT is a great tool for this and so are sticky notes with affirmations or kind messages placed where you can see them. Practice forgiveness and gratitude toward yourself. Put your needs first on your list and speak up about what you need, including asking for help. Set boundaries and know your core values. Honor your emotions and celebrate your strengths and wins(especially the little ones we often overlook, adulting is hard, some days putting on pants is a win). Have realistic expectations of yourself and let go of what you cannot control. Give yourself grace and compassion. And most importantly, build a sustainable self-care practice that allows and encourages you to take care of your whole self.
