WORDS OF WISDOM: Adding to the Family

By Neal Lemery

My family grew this weekend.  A very close friend who I’ve mentored, and who has been a big part of my life, sharing his adventures and many achievements, grew closer to me.  Over time, our friendship has deepened, and we have talked about what we could call our relationship.

This weekend, we had a long overdue lunch, and my friend just came out and said, “I am your son. You are my father.”  And, so it is.  And as it was meant to be. Amen. It often takes too long to verbalize the obvious, and to simply speak Truth, and call relationships for what they are.

It was like this with our foster son.  At first, our home was a place of refuge, a place and time for healing, space away from chaos and disrespect for a teenaged man-child.  Time was a great healer.  We grew closer, me working on my fathering skills, patience, and listening to him, as he opened up and began to trust some adults. Respecting him was a much needed medicine. We both took baby steps, feeling out the shaky ground of new trusting and mutual respect.

I knew I was doing OK when I overheard him refer to me to his friend as “my old man” said in a kindly, respectful way.

Other kids/teens/man-childs in my life are also my sons, a relationship that often evolves, until one day you both realize, “oh, yeah, we’re father and son”.  When you feel that in your heart, it becomes truth, a wonderful reality.  And, those relationships make for a better family, a better community, and a better world. We should all strive to grow that fatherhood bonding within us. I would submit it is a spiritual duty.

I’m challenged to talk about this as our culture and language don’t have easy words or ceremonies to show the world that these relationships exist and are honored. In Hawaiian culture, there is the word “”hānai”, which means a child who comes into the family, as a son or daughter, but is not legally adopted.  I think it is a spiritual experience, rather than a sociological or legal relationship, one’s emotional child.

I have come to realize that biology and genetics aren’t necessarily the defining, essential criteria to fatherhood. Real fatherhood needs time, respect, and patience, and is a title that is earned. Fatherhood requires honesty and the practice of parenting. Fathering, and sonhood are arts and a learned skill, needing practice, and continual re-assessment and learning. It does not flourish with one’s ego or pride, and requires boundless love and compassion to be healthy.  I view fatherhood as humbling, and as a sacred duty.

Now, I have a new son, who really has been my son for a long time. We may not have called ourselves father and son, but we’ve been father and son for a long time. I am filled with joy and love.