By Jim Heffernan
A casual mention in a Bill McKibben article led me to this book. He was explaining the current insanity in the Middle East as a by-product of “petro masculinity”. He linked it to a natural outgrowth of toxic masculinity’s drive for dominance and cited Liz Plank’s book as a source of information. McKibben is a hero to me, and I’m very glad that I took his advice to read the book.
I found this to be an excellent, well-written book. It changed the way I view our world.
I’m looking for answers and I “read” a lot of non-fiction books. I put the “read’ in quotes because most of the books I end up with attempt to make a complex problem simple and find a group to paint with the brush of blame. I’m prone to get part way through the book and move on to another book.
Her book is a little different. It acknowledges the complexity of our problems and assigns blame to all of us. Her first paragraph is, “Although the news often focuses on the threats of terrorism, natural disasters and nuclear war, there is no greater threat to humankind than our current definitions of masculinity.” I don’t think she is wrong.
l wish I would have been aware of her book when in was published in September of 2019. It’s 300 pages long with 26 pages of notes and acknowledgement. Part 1 Is titled “The Lies We Tell About Men and has 6 chapters, Part II is “I Love Men” and has 7 chapters and a conclusion. Sprinkled through the book are 8 “amuse bouce” (French for dinner appetizer) that are expand on the chapter topics, usually with a statement from someone who has adopted a non-conventional gender role.
I enjoyed the book as a reflection of how gender definition played out in my 80 years. Dating ended and parenthood began for me before I reached 21. My career was in a male-dominated occupation that involved a lot of solitude. I was very fortunate to find my soulmate in high school who has blessed me with 60 years of marriage filled with comfort and satisfaction.
A key concept of the book is the difference between being a “good” man and being a “real” man. Being a good man involves adopting basic morality and being honest about your feelings. Being a “real” involves striving for dominance and control of others and mastery of his own emotions. “Real” men don’t cry.
I admit that I have fallen for some of the traps of being a “real” man, but I think the goal of being a “good” man won out, eventually.
I think I’ll close this review with the last paragraph of the book. I think you’ll like what comes between them.
“Mindfully approaching gender is not just crucial for men; it’s a practice that all of us can find healing in. For many of us—not just men—gender is a lot like our closet: there’s some stuff back there just collecting dust and no longer assisting us that’s taking up a whole lot of space. I’m not going to tell men, or anyone else for that matter, what they need to get rid of; I’m just asking all of us to think deeply about what we’re holding on to and consciously let go if it’s not aligning with the person we want to be. Think of it as decluttering, but for your gendered habits. Is holding on to the idea that women are more emotional or that boys don’t need intimacy working for you? No? Then start decluttering your gender and throw away all the crap you’ve acquired over the years. I’ll wait.”
Book is available at Cloud and Leaf Bookstore, Manzanita and Tillamook County Library.
As always, discussion welcome at codger817@gmail.com