GEEZER TRIBE: 2019’s Christmas in July

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Linda Shaffer is becoming the “bionic woman” (again.) So we are digging into the Geezer Tribe archives to give you this classic from July 17, 2019. Send Linda some healing thoughts as she is getting a new shoulder. Computer work is most difficult “one-armed” so we’ll be treating you’all to some classics. And this one is again – PERFECT! It seems that Miss Linda has a penchant for hospitals and injuries as this column from 2 years ago reveals. Here’s hoping that Linda is healing up and will be geezering us again soon.

By Linda Shaffer
I will admit to you that some of the gifts I’ve been given this month have not been the best. In fact some of them have been down right %#&**@. You may interpret those symbols in whatever your language of frustration is. I’ll keep my original thoughts stored in a place where you can’t find them. Readers are hard to come by and I don’t want to lose any more of you than I already have for lack of writing new material.

My excuse for this month is that I’ve been watching Christmas shows on Hallmark. No laughing. I had a worthy reason. I was a victim of Fallmageddon which earned me a trip to the hospital in a vehicle other than my own. It took me awhile to get them here because the phone was about four feet away from me and I had to throw stuff at it to get it to my level. Now, as you know, this could be a long story but let’s just say I bounced around my own kitchen and hurt me.

Since that fateful day I have been stove up and I can tell you I finally understand what that old saying means. It means that if you don’t hold yourself straight as a stove pipe, you’re going to wish you had. There’s also an old saying about people who walk like they have a corn cob up one of their body parts but I’d get scolded for using that one. In any case I have been walking, sleeping and living pretty miserably for a week or so and have another couple to go before I hope to find relief in the hands of a neurosurgeon.

Lucky me, I get to watch The Hallmark Channel and they are playing Christmas movies all month long. Who would dare to nag me about my holiday love story addiction when I look so pitiful? Drat. I’m only supposed to wear my neck brace three hours a day. This means I have to keep it close at hand so I can look pathetic when I need to during a really good movie. You can trust that Mr. S is neither a fan of Christmas in July, me falling and hurting me, The Hallmark Channel or the neck brace.

I’m walking a tight line here and it’s not easy. Yesterday I cleaned parts of the bathrooms, did laundry and scrubbed some kitcheny stuff. It turns out that you can use your arms for awhile but you can’t look at what you are doing because the neck will revolt. That is noisy, painful and downright irritating. Typing? See… I’m doing it now because I am wearing hand braces and my fingers know the keyboard. All my neck has to do is be a stove pipe… or corn cob victim.

My gift yesterday was a feather from one of my crows. It was left for me on the ramp near the front door. I know it’s mine and I believe it was sent by a friend I have missed seeing for a year. It is the kind of gift which I will always treasure. I was able to pick up the feather by being very careful and then, while the neighbor lady watched in horror… I kissed it. I’ll edit her remarks about germs and disease but she really is a nice daughter and sometimes goes amok when her Mom engages in weird spiritual stuff.

A few days ago I was treated to a day with Mr. S and friends. These gab fests are full of joy and usually we get some free food on the side. This time it was spaghetti and homemade bread. If that isn’t a treat, I can’t guess what would be. In fact, a few days later we visited with more friends and sat in the sun. On the Oregon Coast, sunshine is always a gift, regardless of what month it shines on. Just because people of the Great Valley often have sunshine it doesn’t necessarily follow that people of the Beautiful Oregon Coast do. We’re made of tough stuff here and can handle summer rain with the best of ‘em. Our secret is that we wouldn’t have a clue what to do with tropical rain but are quite comfortable with the nice quiet soft rain we get.

Finally, instead of booms on the 4th of July, I got blooms. I like blooms much, much better and so does Grover. It seems our neighbors have decided to cut back on the noisy revelry they once tortured us with. Yes, I’m an American and understand the boom boom thing but my dog is part poodle and his French side doesn’t celebrate American explosions in July. The blooms? They are quietly beautiful and every morning of this month we have been treated to some new color in our garden. From slug brown to cherry red, we’re being treated to a morning song of birds and blooms and slimy things. See? I told you there was Christmas in July… and not just on The Hallmark Channel!