Geezer Tribe: Where is Tarzan’s beard?

by Linda Shaffer
I’ve been watching too much television news again. It leaves me sad, upset and fearful most of the time. It also leaves me with a head full of questions about the future which I can’t answer without getting more sad, upset and fearful. I’m afraid a lot of you are going through this same cycle. I hear a lot of people say that they don’t care anymore, but they do. For these reasons, I’ve decided to present you with some new life questions which need to be answered. In other words, I’m changing the subject.

Let’s start with Tarzan. This beautiful, tanned man had abs before most of us knew what they were. When we met him we were just kids and all we cared about was that he was raised by apes in the jungle, yodeled a great tune while swinging through the trees and rescued damsels in distress. The question we never asked and still remains is, why didn’t Tarzan have a beard? I don’t know about you, but all the Tarzans I knew looked like they just walked out of a barber shop. At the time, this omission went right over my head. Tarzan should have had a beard down to his belly button but that wouldn’t have been Hollywood-correct. Technically, it would have gotten caught in the branches of trees and the ‘Howard Hughes’ look would have scared off all those beautiful girls searching for the man of the jungle. Your turn. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Next up, one of my favorites. Why do banks charge for ‘insufficient funds’? To me, this term means that you are out of money. Account empty. As Granny would say, “You can’t get blood from a turnip.” In most cases, I think this means that you have made a mistake in your accounting and a check or withdrawal has gone through anyway. Now, you are out of money and need to come up with that amount plus the bank charge. Yes, I know banks have to make money but last time I looked, the riskiest investment would be in charges for insufficient funds. Me? I pad the checking account because I haven’t balanced my checkbook for 20 years or so. I like living on the edge.
How do bugs get in enclosed light fixtures? You all know this feeling. Dead bugs taunting you from the ceiling. Their dark bodies are so attractive inside a gleaming white light fixture. I’ve noticed that there are never hundreds of dead bugs in light fixtures. Just a few. Just enough to make you nuts. If anyone has an answer for this one, please let me know.
With Father’s Day on the horizon, I wonder why I’ve never heard any father-in-law jokes? There are volumes of jokes about mothers in-law. In fact, there are comedians who made themselves famous by telling them. Are mothers funnier or just easier targets? Is this because there are more men telling jokes than women? Personally, I think mothers-in law have gotten a bad rap but I laugh every time I hear one of those jokes. I guess we are funny but between us, I have to say, fathers or not, men are funnier. I know this. I live with one.
Computers are controlled by on and off signals. They don’t have a ‘hurry-up’ button and if you push a button asking the computer to do something for you, it will. You only push once. If you bang on that button 20 times because you’re in a hurry, you’ll rarely get where you want to go. Why? The obedient computer will try to do your chore all 20 of those times. This usually gums up the works and the computer gets blamed. I have personally witnessed this. Again, I say, I live with a really funny and impatient guy.
Speaking of buttons, how about those times when you know the battery needs changed in your remote but you just press harder to get it to keep working? Why do we do this? This and banging on computer keys, are just two of life’s great mysteries. Oh, and just one more. Why do we open the fridge just to look at the contents multiple times a day? Are we waiting for some miracle goodies to materialize in there? Do we think someone might have sneaked in with a chocolate cake while we weren’t looking? Just more important questions for you to ponder. Have a great week my friends.