Editor’s Note: I posted this on the Tillamook County Pioneer Facebook page, but it is too good not share with all the Pioneer readers. I’m not sure of the original author – thanks Aprilmarie Eckstrom for sharing. And let’s face it — right now, we really need some humor about “E-day” or the E-pocalyse.
Really people? This is just a “normal” weekend with 2 weeks before Labor Day and everyone is cramming in that “one last vacation” to the beach, oh, and there’s this little eclipse thing …
FYI if you plan on coming to Oregon for the Solar Eclipse. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Word is that three-quarters of the entire population of Earth plans to arrive in Oregon during the fourth week in August in order to get a good seat for the solar eclipse. We native Oregonians (defined as “people who moved here at least 10 years ago”) are not thrilled with the idea of sharing our wide open spaces with people whose primary experiences with the outdoors have been limited to hailing a cab or running quickly from a raccoon while taking out the trash.
In order to make sure you don’t tick off the residents of the Beaver State here are some things you should know before arriving:
· Spots in state parks are booked up three years in advance even in non-solar-eclipse years, so no amount of whining is going to change that. A better option is to pay an Oregonian a small fortune to rent a spot in their yard. If you check Craigslist (yes, we do have Craigslist out here; thanks for asking), you’ll find lots of us who are willing to put up with your shenanigans for one or two nights for a couple thousand dollars. We have mortgages on our weed dispensaries to pay.
· On the west side of the Cascade Mountains, you’ll find more hippies than rednecks. On the east side, the reverse is true. Do NOT get this confused.
· Our motto is, “She flies with her own wings.” Our governor is a woman. Our attorney general is a woman. Leave your sexist t-shirts and ball caps at home. Oregon women aren’t shy about telling you to shut your trap. Also, many of us have chainsaws.
· Whatever you bring into our state, take it back with you when you’re gone. Don’t leave garbage or unwanted members of your family behind. While we have great animal rescue programs, they will not take your in-laws.
· Speaking of animal rescue, we Oregonians LOVE our animals, so do not even think of leaving yours in a hot car even for a few minutes. We will use our chainsaws to break your windshield to save the poor critter. Then we will take them out for dairy-free, gluten-free, free-range ice-cream-like product and rename them Starfish or Morning Dew.
· Yes, recreational marijuana use is legal in this state, but you cannot toke and drive, toke and operate a power boat, or toke and stand on the top floor of a hotel taunting passers by. Also, we frown on your using our tree stumps as bongs. That’s where our best mushrooms grow, you fool!
· Do NOT attempt to pump your own gas. Gas station attendants have been trained in krav maga and will take you down right there at the pumps. As they do, all the other drivers will point and laugh at your stupidity.
· Please do not shave any body part while in our great state. So few of us do that that our water systems are not equipped to handle body hair. Besides, the Sasquatch look is trending!
· If you see a bunch of naked folks riding bikes or a man on a unicycle playing flaming bagpipes, you are NOT hallucinating. These are normal events in this state. If you object to nudity or unicycles, you should stay home.
· If you’re not used to staring directly at tie-dye, we recommend you use your eclipse glasses for that too. You don’t want to burn out your retinas too soon.
Be kind to the Beaver State while you’re here because if you don’t, we’ll strap on our Nikes and chase you to the Idaho border. We hear they love strangers.