By Butch Freedman
Most Incompetent: This was a very difficult selection, as so many of the members qualified. But after careful consideration, the one cabinet member who stands above the rest, despite his diminutive stature, is Kash (Wind-up Doll) Patel. From day one Kashy has shown the world his lack of understanding of what the job of F.B.I. head entails. At the same time, he has managed to remove all employees who did understand what the work of the F.B.I. actually is and had experience doing that job. Way to be, K.!
Most Corrupt: Again, a hard choice with lots of competition. Jared Kushner would have been our top choice, but didn’t qualify as an official cabinet member. Sorry, pretty boy. Instead this year’s win goes to Howard Lutnick. Not only does Howie show little understanding of his role as secretary of commerce, other than to be a cheerleader for trump, he’s also managed to get his name mentioned prominently in the Epstein files. He has that in common with his boss. The billionaire Lutnick has continued to enrich himself in this phase of his tortured life. Congrats, punk.
Most Disappointing: The clear winner here is Marco Rubio. Among all these vile people, one could only hold out hope for decency and intelligence from our Secretary of State, Little Marco. We thought he had some integrity, but has mightily proven otherwise. I think we were all glad to see his triumphant visit with the ugly prez to watch MMA fighters attempt to kill each other. We were so proud. Keep making excuses for doing the wrong thing when you know better, Marc. Maybe MAGA will forgive your Cuban heritage. Probably not, though.
Most Evil: In this category we had a clear winner. No one could reach the heights of depravity demonstrated by the Prez’s main advisor, the most terrifying man in the White House, Stephen Miller. Besides being the chief architect of the violent immigration sweep, and a certified racist, Miller stands out as the go-to whisperer for war and violence. Even his family despises him. Such a nice boy.
Best Actor: For his work in imitation of a real military man, this award must go to the former TV personality and drunkard, secretary of defense (or as he would have it—War!!), Petey Hegseth. Pete has really come into his own this year, what with the illegal killings of Venezuelan fishermen, and now the unplanned, unhinged attack on Iran, nobody can deny Hegseth has proven his skill as a vulgar war hawk. Guess it wasn’t much of a stretch. Still we appreciate your performance, Pete. Such angry stares!
The 1984 Award: Once again, a difficult choice. A number of good competitors here, but the one who stands out above the rest for doing the work most in keeping with George Orwell’s maxim of “Love is hate” goes to secretary of education, Linda McMahon. (Linda was also under consideration for most incompetent.) The former World Wrestling Federation president has spent her time in office working vigorously to eliminate her own department. Linda believes strongly that the less money spent on education the better. Only the total elimination of the Education Department will make her happy. Though we have doubts about her ability to experience happiness.
The Contradiction in Terms Award: Tulsi Gabbard, Director of National Intelligence. What more needs to be said.
Most Cynical and Ambitious: Two awards in one had to be combined to fully appreciate the work of vice-president, J.D. Vance. Here we have a man who is willing to say and do virtually anything to gain the favor of his keeper. J.D., a newly converted Catholic, was even willing to speak out against Pope Leo when the donald commanded him to do so. Jim Dandy then told the Pope to stick to his job and stop speaking about morality. Come on, man, that’s trump’s job. J.D. wants to be the next republican candidate for president. Even trump won’t go along with that. Sorry, J.D. Maybe go back to writing shitty books.
In Memoriam: Two former members deserve mention, even though they are no longer with us, banished to jobs that no one has ever heard of: They are Kristi Noem and Pam Bondi. Despite being perhaps the two most loyal trump acolytes, even he could no longer allow the public outrage they induced. Bondi’s manic performance in front of congress alone is worthy of some reward. And Kristi’s prancing around in costume was good for a laugh. Bon Voyage, you two un-lovelies.