On positive psychology, difficult people, and the choice to love
By Michelle Jenck, M-Ed
I’m a fan of Martin Seligman and the field of positive psychology, but I have to admit, there’s a certain naivete and impracticality to some of its applications.
As the song says, we should stay close to the people who feel like sunshine. That’s lovely advice, and I’m all for it. But how practical is that, really?
In life’s realities, we’re surrounded by plenty of people wrapped in dark storm clouds. Difficult bosses, discontented family members, acrimonious partnerships, and parenting challenges that test our patience. We don’t always get to choose the people in our lives, and even the people we love most aren’t always lovable. Of course, sometimes we’re the ones brewing storm clouds.
Positive psychology has given us valuable insights into what helps people thrive. Gratitude, optimism, meaningful relationships, purpose, and positive emotions all contribute to our well-being. I’m a believer in all of that and want more of it in the world. But there’s a difference between cultivating positive experiences and learning how to live well in a world that isn’t always positive.
Our Task is to Love
I’ve come to believe that there is sunshine in every human being and situation, even when we can’t see it. Just as the sun always shines above the clouds, there’s goodness in people that can be obscured. Experiences and temperament that elicit fear, anger, disappointment, or resentment, are simply part of being human. Just because someone presents with those traits does not mean that is fundamentally who they are. It may just be who they are in that moment or season of life.
We don’t know what another person has experienced or what has shaped their view of the world. We see their behavior, attitude, or reactions, and we make assumptions about the person based on our own experiences and temperament. Sometimes those judgments are justified. People can be cruel, selfish, manipulative, and just miserable to be around. And sometimes, once we have seen that side of a person, that’s all we see. But upon deeper reflection, we know that’s not the whole of who they are.
This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, excusing bad behavior, or feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness. It simply means seeking out the good and choosing to not lose faith in humanity.
Love is a Choice
Love is a practice. It’s a choice. Sometimes it can be hard. And we need to do it anyway. It isn’t about pretending things are better than they are or seeing through rose colored glasses. It’s about seeing the bad, the difficult and the unpleasantness in others and choosing to love them anyway.
It’s easy to love people who make us feel good. It’s easy to see the sunny side of people who are kind, generous, and joyful. Practicing loving someone who’s angry, bitter, controlling, or perpetually dissatisfied is how we grow as humans. And it is the best and most likely path for growth for the other person as well.
I realize this may sound hopelessly idealistic. But I can’t imagine any better way to go through life, seeing as how we have no control over what others do, say or believe.
And if you don’t have that level of faith in humanity, then God bless you and let me know how that works out for you.
Thank you for your interest. Follow more of my work on Substack at The Tao te Mitchy – Subscribe here for more, or go to my websites:
PQ Initiative, and Divergent Ideas.
Photo by Robert Koorenny on Unsplash
