By Jim Heffernan
This is a book Liz Plank mentioned in her book and I thought it would be worthwhile. I’ve heard of bell hooks (she does not use capital letters for her name with the idea that the substance of what she writes should not be overshadowed by her name), but this is the first of her books I’ve read. She’s good and I don’t think it will be the last.
Liz Plank’s book, (For the Love of Men….) and bell hooks book (The Will To Change…) both are similar in size and content. The Will To Change…… was published in 2004, 15 years before Liz’s book. At 194 pages it’s 100 pages shorter than Liz’s book.
The are far from being duplicates, but I really saw no conflicts between the two. I think together they make a very potent combination for learning what we need to know about gender relations.
One of the concepts bell puts more emphasis on is “mutuality is different than equality.” Equality seems to follow a grievance attitude of “I should have what you have.” Mutuality is based on a cooperative attitude of “Let’s do what’s good for you and me.” True love requires mutuality.
Both agree that patriarchy gifts men with a dominant place, but that it also forces men into a corner where they are forced to suppress their feelings. It’s not a good bargain. Bigger paychecks are not a good trade for the years of life we lose to depression, addictions, and suicide.
I’ll close with some excerpts:
“Patriarchy is a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak and to maintain that dominance through various forms of psychological terrorism and violence.” Page 18
“Attention to the meaning of the central male slang term for sexual intercourse—“fuck”—is instructive. To fuck a woman is to have sex with her. To fuck someone in another context…means to hurt or cheat a person. And when hurled as a simple insult (“fuck you”) the intent is denigration and the remark is often a prelude to violence or the threat of violence.” Page 85
“Working with men who wanted to know love, I have advised them to think of it as a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.” Page 66
”I am afraid of sex because I am afraid of domination, cruelty, violence, and death. I am afraid of sex because sex has hurt me and hurt lots of people I know, and because I have hurt others with sex…..” Page 88
Book is available at Cloud and Leaf Bookstore, Manzanita and at Tillamook County Library.
As always, discussion welcome at codger817@gmail.com